As many of students may know, or anyone else who has been outside at any point in the past few months, this spring LeTourneau University was struck by a plague of near-Biblical proportions: the birds. Suddenly, on a calm winter morning, countless flocks of them poured into the campus from all directions in a massive, fluttering cloud. Then, they disappeared just as quickly, taking up their positions in the trees from which they would wreak excretory havoc on poor, unsuspecting victims. On that day, when you walked under a tree and heard that fluttering noise for the first time, a shiver went down your spine and you knew:
It has begun.
From then on, your every hurried step under a tree was a crazy gamble, your every glance at a tree was a nightmarish vision filled with hundreds of cold eyes aimed directly at you, and your every waking moment was haunted by that terrible fluttering noise above your head.But now it is all over, and everyone is happy again. Of course it would be over, because the weather is getting warmer and the birds have flown back north to their homes, or something like that. It’s only natural, isn’t it?
… Is it?
Through our underground connections we at the YellowJacket have discovered the shocking truth: every year, the LeTourneau administration wages furious war against these invaders, the birds. We wanted to learn more, but the administration declined to comment when asked to confirm our findings. But, through even deeper underground connections, we found out anyways.
Every year, the fate of every student hangs in the balance as the unseen yet valiant forces of the Birds Under Fire Force (BUFF) put the birds under fire. Not literally, of course, because then the students would know about it and panic, and guns are not allowed on campus anyway. No, the BUFF uses far more stealthy methods, some of which our YellowJacket spies have been able to discover:
- A laser defense grid hidden in the sprinklers.
- An early version of the animatronic owl.
- Feral cats set loose at night. (Incidentally, many of escaped ran into the storm drains and created a feral cat problem on campus, which the BUFF took care of, for the most part.)
- Ninjas (unverifiable).
- Animatronic owls, supplied by a little-known senior design project. Located on top of the library, and previously believed to be stone statues.
- Research into a lethal frisbee that vaporizes birds on contact.
- John “T-Bird” Forester secretly doing battle with the birds by night. Rumor has it that among the birds he is known as The Terminator.
- A cleanup crew to discard the vanquished birds (never sighted, possibly ninjas).
This amazing discovery might explain the rising tuition costs in recent semesters, and it very well may be driving force in nearly all campus security decisions by the administration. But we students can put off further speculation until next year, because once again the battle has been won by BUFF, and the YellowJacket has been there to report it. We can rest at ease and walk carefree under the trees all day long.
…Or can we? The birds may be defeated, but a new war is at hand. The next enemy is already invading the campus: the pollen.
Just kidding! Happy April Fool’s Day from the YellowJacket staff!
Written by Felipe Vogel.