Student Center Update
Almost six months have passed since Matt Barr’s article on the new student center was published. Since the piece continues to be one of the YellowJacket’s most read stories, Matt has continued researching the progress of the new student center‘s construction.
I began my follow up by heading over to the construction site. Unfortunately, to my dismay, the only progress there is the orange fencing that has been there for the last few months. I obviously was not going to be getting any answers there, so I headed to the man that I knew would give me only the facts: Corey Ross. I proceeded to ask Corey what was taking so long on the construction of our new student center.
“We’ve decided to completely scratch the original plans and go with something that suits our campus better,” said Ross. I was very intrigued by this, so Corey provided me with a list of things that they will be adding to the new new student center.
- Retractable roof – We’ve decided that our students don’t see the sun enough or don’t get enough fresh air, so we thought that a retractable roof for the new student center would be perfect!
- Community Showers – We’ve decided to install community showers close to the study rooms for the Tyler Hall guys that don’t have time to break from their studies to go all the way back to their dorm to shower. We think that this will help bring guys from all of campus together.
- Petting Zoo – We will be devoting an entire wing of the new student center to a petting zoo, complete with goats, pigs, sheep, and many, many more exciting animals.
- Awkward Couple Proofing – This one has proved to be a little more difficult because these awkward couples… They’re getting smarter, and thus require state-of-the-art prevention facilities. We’ve decided to bring in the most uncomfortable couches known to man. These couches come with chastity bars built in to make sure there will be no couch-cuddle time. These couches will also be bolted to the floor, so that no couples can drag the couch off into a corner and canoodle away. We are also in the process of hiring people to be full-time squirters. Squirters will be people armed with spray bottles who will monitor the student center 24/7. If a couple seems to be out of line… water to the face.
- Snow Room – We will be installing a room set aside that will have a continuous raining down of snow. The lighting in the rooms will be adjustable. This room will help our native Alaskans feel more at home.
- Mi Casita – Yes, the beloved Mi Casita has decided to partner with LeTourneau and open up a branch here on our very own campus.
- Dean of Students Executive Suite – Corey will be treated by student workers all day long to fulfill his every need. If he needs a foot rub, someone is there. If he needs someone to sign some documents, someone is there.
- Resident Assistant Spa Getaway – RAs will have the option of taking advantage of the state of the art massage facilities that will be available year-round 24/7. Administration is expecting this to be a very popular place within the new student center.
- Moving Walkways – All roads will lead to the new student center. Every dorm building will have a moving walkway that leads straight to the new student center.
- Go-Kart Track – An outdoor go-kart track will be installed in the surrounding area of the new student center. This is sure to become the next intramural game!
These new ideas for the student center are going to make the building even better than originally anticipated. “We are encouraging students to submit their ideas for the new student center,” said Ross. “We’re literally down for doing pretty much anything in the new student center.” If students have suggestions, like these new additions, for the new student center, send them on to Corey Ross.
Just kidding! Happy April Fool's Day from the YellowJacket staff!
Written by Matt Barr.